i take vanderpump rules as seriously as ariana takes sketch comedy.
a ranking of the OG vanderpump rules cast members:
I would love to start from the worst person on the show and work our way up to the best but I will not put a solo picture of Jax Taylor as the first thing your precious eyes will see, so we’re ranking them from best to worst.
When it comes to the world of Vanderpump Rules, the first step to enjoying it is to acknowledge that none of these people are perfect. Some of them are the devil reincarnated and others have some grey areas in their morals but the drama that keeps it entertaining stems from the fact that 99% of the cast are people you would run away from. Though throughout the years, the show has gone from a bunch of mid-twenty-something’s bartending and hosting in order to support themselves in La La Land whilst they try to chase their other dreams, from season 7 onwards they are adults who should at least be trying to have their shit together.
On the one hand, yes we love and live for the drama of other people as an escape from whatever is going on in our own lives but on the other hand, it is time to acknowledge that past the age of 30, people should not be acting like most of the people on Vanderpump Rules are. Not that they need to change but objectively, I’m judging.
This being said, I’ve seen some discourse surrounding the #Scandoval drama mentioning that the cast of VPR have been cheating in this show since episode one but, a big reason why Scandoval has had such a big impact on my ratings of the cast is because 1) Ariana and Tom were always the couple who looked like they actually loved each other and 2) ARIANA DEFENDED RAQUEL SINCE RAQUEL’S FIRST APPEARANCE, they were best friends and the last time someone cheated on their significant other with their partner’s best friend was Jax and Kristen and to be quite honest, I never got over Kristen acting that way either. So yes, cheating is a norm on this show but if you do not think that Scandoval is different… then I feel sorry for your best friends because clearly they aren’t safe around you.
Alas, lets get into the rankings:
Ariana Madix:
A MOTHER TO MANY! Despite her not wanting children (queen), she is still mother!
I think so much of the reason I love Ariana is because I see myself in her. Ariana kept so much of herself hidden for the first few seasons and in Season 8 she really did put all of her cards on the table. After Ariana opened up to her friends and in turn, the rest of the world, I don’t know how you can not love her.
Ariana managed to capture exactly how being depressed and unmedicated feels when she said "When I’m at my lowest, my darkest, it feels like I’m outside of myself and it just feels like fuck it all. I wanna do something drastic” to Tom. Which makes it even worse that after everything he knew about her, he went and cheated on her with her best friend. Men have never deserved rights.
Let’s talk about how Ariana entered Season 9 like a goddamn girlboss. Yeah, her and Lala are my best girlies on this show but her standing up for herself against Lala at the end of S9 E1? Oh, that is growth. Ariana Madix has never taken shit from anyone but the energy she walked in with in Season 9 honestly just proved that nobody on reality TV will ever do it like her. Go home bitches, you will never be Ariana Madix!
Rankings:
Best quote: “I'm smarter than you, I'm prettier than you, get the fuck over it.”
Rating out of 10: 1000/10. every single time.
Best season: 8
Lala Kent:
“I haven’t had an orgasm that i haven’t faked since 2016” .. ON GOD, Lala says the funniest shit on this show and she doesn’t get enough credit for it.
I don’t know these people and thus, I am under no obligation to sit here and defend strangers so I will point out that Season 8 Lala was going crazy calling Ariana a ‘wet blanket’ for standing with Tom over Jax and Brittany being homophobic… or I guess they would probably argue that they were homophobe adjacent, whilst Ariana is openly bisexual.
However, Lala always redeems herself. Firstly, Lala saying “what’s up, mistress?” to Raquel’s face has to be a top 10 foreshadowing moment of Scandoval. Secondly, Lala’s journey with sobriety in the show was shocking but so brave. Shocking because so much of this show is based on tequila black-outs and rosé, but it was brave of her to notice that she didn’t like who she became when she was drunk and how she wished to become the best version of herself amongst a group of people who drink martinis for breakfast. It was a statement and I truly hope it inspired people who have maybe dabbled with the idea of sobriety for their own benefit.
Rankings:
Best quote: “Every day is a good time to take your top off.”
Rating out of 10: 9
Best season: 7
Katie Maloney:
Katie Maloney is the definition of “single looks good on you”. It is actually quite painful to watch 9 seasons of Katie and Schwartz together because it is so abundantly clear that she could be so much happier without him and though love is blinding, I’m glad she got her vision back and divorced his ass. Single Katie is EVERYTHING! I hate that so much of her storyline was attached to the slime that is Schwartz because in all honesty, Schwartz will only ever love Sandoval.
Though the blonde hair was… bold. And Tequila Katie was… wild. She really grew up and I love that for her so much. Her growth is honestly inspiring.
I need an extra reunion episode of season 10 where we get Katie the justice that she deserves because too many people treated her like trash after her divorce when all she asked for was for Tom not to get with someone in the group and guess what? Raquel, yet again, couldn’t help herself but get involved with someone she shouldn't. The blame is not on Raquel alone as Schwartz was the one who had loyalties to Katie but there is no way Raquel didn’t have evil intentions kissing Schwartz. JUSTICE FOR KATIE!
My final comments on Katie Maloney are as follows; she came into season 10 with a divorce and a killer hair cut and she has never been more powerful!
Rankings:
Best quote: “Let's talk about how your dick doesn't work!”
Rating out of 10: 9.5
Best season: 10
Scheana Davies:
Scheana is one of many members of the cast who completely redeemed herself during Scandoval. Throughout the entirity of the 10 seasons, Scheana has gone through a lot and had a lot of personality changes and growth. At first, I loved her and thought she was the only sane person (along with Ariana) on the show but as the seasons went on, I started to believe that working at SUR makes you crazy beyond your own awareness.
Similar to Katie, a divorce from a man with no backbone will really do wonders for you. Scheana left Shay and came back thriving! However, as I said, season 10 was powerful for the Scheana Marie defence squad. One huge part of this was that Scheana was such good friends with Sandoval and Raquel and defended them like her life depended on it and her friendships just blew up in her face and she STILL put her own feelings aside to take Team Ariana and do what was right.
Also, when will Scheana get a White Claw partnership?
Rankings:
Best quote: “I can’t cry because these eyelashes are mink”
Rating out of 10: 8
Best season: 10
Stassi Schroder:
Stassi is the girl who ran your single-sex high school, she’s the head bitch in charge, she’s flawed but you love her. In her defence, a lot of her mistakes and rage can be attributed to her being the youngest in the group. I’m pretty sure that if all of my friends were older than me and acting like 10 year olds, I’d probably be a raging bitch too. Unlike Jax, who we will get to, Stassi’s redemption tour actually worked. She changed and learnt a lot of lessons and became the girl boss the rest of her girlfriends apparently needed.
Rankings:
Best quote: “I'm not sure what I've done to you, but I'll take a Pinot Grigio.”
Rating out of 10: 6
Best season: 1
Lisa Vanderpump:
Lisa Vanderpump. What a woman, truly. She is the blueprint for every girl boss that will walk this earth after her. She has a tendency to stick up for men which sometimes rubs me the wrong way but Lisa Vanderpump has created an empire and for that, she takes the crown as the OG girlboss.
Rankings:
Best quote: “Why am I paying these people? They should be paying me for therapy.”
Rating out of 10: 8
Best season: all of them besides the season 10 reunion.
James Kennedy:
Baring in mind that in order to watch and enjoy Vanderpump Rules, you have to first accept that most of these people have no morals, James Kennedy is actually a great part of this show. He is hilarious. Every dig and insult he has thrown at people (with the exception of him body-shaming Katie) has been true. He didn’t exaggerate the truth for the laughs, he literally just read his casemates like a book and they decided they didn’t like him. Well, I’m here to defend my fellow Brit, he’s fucking hilarious.
Nobody gives James enough credit for his morals. He, himself, might be morally inept but he does also know how to point out when someone else has no morals and that really tends to be the only time he blows up on people. If Scandoval didn’t prove that James will go to war for his friends when they’re wronged, then I don’t know what will.
Lest we forget the time that the White Kanye, as James refers to himself, made a freestyle rap about Jax cheating on Brittany! That was funny and nobody gave him any credit for it because they were to busy hopping on their high horse pretending they know what’s wrong and right. I’m here to say that I, for one, lost my goddamn mind laughing through that scene.
James Kennedy has two prominent flaws:
1) he dated Raquel.
2) his mommy issues have clearly left their traumatic mark.
And that’s it really, LET HIM LIVE! If being a DJ doesn’t work out, comedy is always there for him.
Rankings:
Best quote: “it’s not about the pasta” or “you’re a worm with a mustache”
Rating out of 10: 7.5
Best season: every reunion episode.
Kristen Doute:
I won’t say anything about Kristen’s previous seasons as I had not a single care in the world for her whilst she worked at SUR because she was so messy but, Kristen reappearing in Season 10 to comfort Ariana over how their shared, torturous, ex-boyfriend fucked up once again was a power move! a statement! a true evolved girls girl!! I simply forgot every bad thing Kristen ever did in the past when she showed up for Ariana with her crystals and manifestation skills. Kristen Doute, I always hoped for your redemption arc and though it took me 10 seasons to see it in action, you have been redeemed.
Brittany Cartwright:
Brittany, despite somehow falling in love with Jax, was somebody who I initially thought would be a lot higher on this list but alas, she showed her true colours. I do really believe that she has a good heart but there are just two things I cannot get over; firstly, how does one fall in love with Jax Taylor? and secondly, how does one look past the pastor who was going to officiate her wedding being homophobic without being at least slightly homophobic herself?
Brittany joins Vanderpump Rules as an angel, truly. She is the only girl who could keep Jax on the right path until he eventually went back to his old ways and cheated on Brittany with her friend Faith WITH AN ELDERLY PERSON IN THE OTHER ROOM. You could not make this shit up if you tried. However, she really was the only girl who had any potential to make Jax a husband but then… that is also a red flag because why would you do that?
Rankings:
Honestly, I’m just glad she took Jax out of the equation.
🍅Tom Schwartz:
THIS MAN HAS NEVER HAD A BACK BONE OR A SINGLE ORIGINAL THOUGHT. HE DOES WHATEVER TOM SANDOVAL DOES, INCLUDING RAQUEL. dumbass.
Rankings:
Best quote: even if he had one, it would be a replica of someone else’s thoughts.
Rating out of 10: 0
Best season: the season does not exist.
🍅Raquel Leviss:
When Ariana said [to Raquel] “fuck yourself with a fucking cheese grater. Fuck you, you fucking suck, you’re disgusting and I wish nothing but the worst fucking shit that could ever happen to a person, on you” she made a point.
As someone who started watching Vanderpump Rules because of the #Scandoval drama, I tried to start watching it with an objective mindset. I really did. But oh this girl gave me bad vibes from her first second on this show. Lala was right about her from the very beginning and I wish she never backed down. It not always girls support girls when the girl in question is Raquel, sorry.
Rankings:
Best quote: silence would’ve been a good option for her I fear.
Rating out of 10: 0
Best season: every season before she arrived.
🍅Tom Sandoval:
In all honesty, Tom Sandoval duped me too. I love me an emo boy, what can I say? but his actions made him sooooo unattractive. You will fall in love with him at first because, similar to Schwartz, he has this *charm* about him but again, it’s a lie! All men do is lie!
Rankings:
Best quote: now that my rose tinted glasses are off, this man has never said anything of any value in his entire life.
Rating out of 10: 0
Best season: 2
🍅Jax Taylor:
BOOOO! TOMATO TOMATO IM THROWING TOMATOES!! Yeah, people change but Jax Taylor is not people. So, as this absolute idiot was on his redemption tour after finding Brittany who was, at first glance, the saving grace in Jax Taylor’s story, we then find out that even though we were expected to somehow look over the lying, cheating and fighting, this man is a homophobe? *In comes Season 8, Episode 8*, [Jax to Lala about Tom and Ariana] “Why don’t you figure out your fucking girlfriend’s issues. Figure out, first of all, her sexuality because it changes everyday”… HOLD MY PRIDE FLAG RIGHT NOW BECAUSE THE DEVIL WAS IN ME WHEN I CLICKED PLAY ON THAT EPISODE DURING PRIDE MONTH, OH LORD.
It genuinely comes as no surprise to me that Jax loved Randall from the second he met him. Let’s not forget that Season 10 Lala even acknowledged that Randall is a psychotic guy and even though hindsight is everything, it makes so much sense that Jax and Randall loved each other. Birds of a feather flock together and all that jazz.
Oh, and if you haven’t watched Vanderpump Rules and you start to… do not be fooled and bamboozled by Jax’s redemption montage before his wedding!! He is trash and always will be. Sorry that I am not a God-fearing woman but that man is too far gone to forgive and forget AND, as one of the founding fathers of the depression society (me not Jax), I find it so calculated that when others told him that Ariana was depressed he proceeded to belittle her depression and then within 24 hours he decided to take that on as his own excuse for being a cunt? THAT was my final straw. What a piece of shit.
Rankings:
Best quote: nothing he says can ever be classified as “best” but “When it comes to this group, I can predict the future like Gandhi. Did Gandhi predict the future? Who is Gandhi?” was pretty funny.
Rating out of 10: -100/10
Best season: doesn’t exist.